Friday, November 29, 2013

Shocking News!

I've just received news of a shocking story! Sources tell me that two individuals have been arrested in Needles, CA for drowning a sack full of puppies in a rain barrel behind the Burger Hut. I am working to confirm that these two individuals are major celebrities from the world of entertainment and politics! Once I get the story nailed down, I will report it here, using this exciting new technology to "live blog" this shocking story!

UPDATE: Sources have confirmed that the two persons arrested for drowning a sack of puppies in Needles, CA are celebrity actress Lindsay Lohan and former Secretary of Homeland Security and current University of California president Janet Napolitano! I will have more on this story as it develops!

UPDATE: Many questions surround the shocking story that Linday Lohan and Janet Napolitano have allegedly drowned a sack full of puppies! So I have conducted an email interview with Franklin Dreyfus, a respected criminal profiler, which I reproduce in it's entirety below:
BLITZER:  Mr. Dreyfus-- thank you for joining me. While we should be careful to note that Ms Lohan and Ms Napolitano haven't yet been convicted of anything. But if it does turn out that they are guilty of this horrific crime, what might be the motive?

DREYFUS: Well Wolf, puppy drowning is a crime associated with Satan worshippers, who commit these acts in order to gain "canine strength" to use in future Satanist crimes.

BLITZER: But neither Lohan nor Napolitano are known to be Satanists, are they?

DREYFUS: Not to my knowledge, Wolf. But keep in mind that devil-worshippers are frequently under the influence of substances such as "meth," or methamphetamine, or perhaps "coke," or cocaine. And Lindsay Lohan has been known to have problems with substance abuse in the past. So it seems clear that what has happened was that Lohan got Napolitano hooked on "meth," which then led to participation in an escalating series of dark rites, culminating in puppy-drowning.

BLITZER: Fascinating! But Lohan and Napolitano are from such different worlds! How do explain that they got together to allegedly commit these heinous acts?

DREYFUS: My research indicates that satanist meth-heads are often lesbians involved in May-September romances, Wolf.

BLITZER: Thank you Mr. Dreyfus. Could you please tell me what your qualifications are as a criminal profiler?

DREYFUS: For the past 35 years, I have served as a volunteer profiler for the Fort Wayne, Indiana Department of Police.
UPDATE: The Needles, CA police have informed me that Lindsay Lohan and Janet Napolitano have not been arrested in connection with a puppy drowning incident, and in fact are not suspects. So who could have committed this crime? Stay tuned for updates!

UPDATE: Sources say that two drifters, Larry Lipman and Jose Nardone are responsible for this crime! I have asked the FBI to comment on the trend of puppy drowning that is sweeping the nation. I will post their response as soon as I receive it! Watch this space for updates!

UPDATE: The FBI responds:
We are not aware of any trend of puppy drowing in the United States.
UPDATE: I have just learned that my initial information was incorrect. No puppies were drowned in a rain barrel behind the Burger Hut in Needles, CA. Even so, the debate continues about magnitude of, and reasons for, the alarming nation-wide increase in puppy-drowning!

No comments:

Post a Comment