Saturday, November 30, 2013


hOw handosme should a jornalist be? Oviously, shouldnt be hard to look at or beestly. But isnt their sucj at thing as two hansome? I thnk so! aT some point, I thinkk it hurst your credibility.

Sweet Kate

I totaly totally toataly adore Kate Bolduan. What a dolll!  Stupid fucking suits don't treat her rigth! We shoudl still be a team!!

The Best!

This truly is the best of all possible worlds!

Saturday Night Again

Time to relax! Mixing it up tonight, with Kenny G, a bottle of Grand Marnier, and autumn leaves-scented candles!

Friday, November 29, 2013

Shocking News!

I've just received news of a shocking story! Sources tell me that two individuals have been arrested in Needles, CA for drowning a sack full of puppies in a rain barrel behind the Burger Hut. I am working to confirm that these two individuals are major celebrities from the world of entertainment and politics! Once I get the story nailed down, I will report it here, using this exciting new technology to "live blog" this shocking story!

UPDATE: Sources have confirmed that the two persons arrested for drowning a sack of puppies in Needles, CA are celebrity actress Lindsay Lohan and former Secretary of Homeland Security and current University of California president Janet Napolitano! I will have more on this story as it develops!

UPDATE: Many questions surround the shocking story that Linday Lohan and Janet Napolitano have allegedly drowned a sack full of puppies! So I have conducted an email interview with Franklin Dreyfus, a respected criminal profiler, which I reproduce in it's entirety below:
BLITZER:  Mr. Dreyfus-- thank you for joining me. While we should be careful to note that Ms Lohan and Ms Napolitano haven't yet been convicted of anything. But if it does turn out that they are guilty of this horrific crime, what might be the motive?

DREYFUS: Well Wolf, puppy drowning is a crime associated with Satan worshippers, who commit these acts in order to gain "canine strength" to use in future Satanist crimes.

BLITZER: But neither Lohan nor Napolitano are known to be Satanists, are they?

DREYFUS: Not to my knowledge, Wolf. But keep in mind that devil-worshippers are frequently under the influence of substances such as "meth," or methamphetamine, or perhaps "coke," or cocaine. And Lindsay Lohan has been known to have problems with substance abuse in the past. So it seems clear that what has happened was that Lohan got Napolitano hooked on "meth," which then led to participation in an escalating series of dark rites, culminating in puppy-drowning.

BLITZER: Fascinating! But Lohan and Napolitano are from such different worlds! How do explain that they got together to allegedly commit these heinous acts?

DREYFUS: My research indicates that satanist meth-heads are often lesbians involved in May-September romances, Wolf.

BLITZER: Thank you Mr. Dreyfus. Could you please tell me what your qualifications are as a criminal profiler?

DREYFUS: For the past 35 years, I have served as a volunteer profiler for the Fort Wayne, Indiana Department of Police.
UPDATE: The Needles, CA police have informed me that Lindsay Lohan and Janet Napolitano have not been arrested in connection with a puppy drowning incident, and in fact are not suspects. So who could have committed this crime? Stay tuned for updates!

UPDATE: Sources say that two drifters, Larry Lipman and Jose Nardone are responsible for this crime! I have asked the FBI to comment on the trend of puppy drowning that is sweeping the nation. I will post their response as soon as I receive it! Watch this space for updates!

UPDATE: The FBI responds:
We are not aware of any trend of puppy drowing in the United States.
UPDATE: I have just learned that my initial information was incorrect. No puppies were drowned in a rain barrel behind the Burger Hut in Needles, CA. Even so, the debate continues about magnitude of, and reasons for, the alarming nation-wide increase in puppy-drowning!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Things to be Thankful for: Democratic Party Edition

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Since writing yesterday's post about the exciting trends in Republican governance at the state level, I have been bombarded with questions about whether I also see any positive developments on the Democratic side of the aisle. Of course I do! In our two-party system, it is axiomatic that any praiseworthy development in one party is always balanced by an equally praiseworthy development in the other party!

So here's what I'm thankful for on the Democratic party side! While the Party in general is mired in a lack of bipartisanship and an extreme ideology that doesn't appeal to moderate voters in the swing states, there is one segment of the Democrats that is successful, dynamic, and provides a model for how to move forward: retired Democratic members of Congress! There are so many great examples of Democrats who have left Congress to become models of bipartisan integrity, showing that it is possible both to be a liberal and to represent the interests of big business! Harold Ford! Evan Bayh! And now the greatest Senator in History looks set to become the greatest ex-Senator in history: Joe Lieberman! Surely if America is to move forward, these great men will show the way!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Things to be Thankful For: Republican Governors!

I'm afraid that my use of this exciting new technology has gotten a bit off course lately! I've allowed myself to become distracted by disputes with my lessers, and to become involved in excessively wonky discussions. That's not what I'm about! So with this post, I return to the type of punditry that is my forte: bringing you the straight dope about the important issues that affect your life!

That's why I'm highlighting an important story that you probably haven't heard about! You may have heard that Washington Republicans these days are down in the polls, afflicted by lack of bipartisanship and by an extreme ideology that doesn't appeal to moderate voters in the swing states. (Of course, that's equally true of Washington Democrats, but that's a topic for another day!). But did you know that at the state level, Republican governors are setting an exciting new course for modern pragmatic governance? Probably not-- because this is an exciting development that hasn't been sufficiently remarked upon! Am I the first to notice this exciting trend? Maybe! But I'm willing to get out in front of the pack and tell it like it is!

Just look at the remarkable successes being achieved by these modern Ciceroes and their pragmatic moderation:
You may not believe that Republican governors have accomplished all of this! But check the links! My assertions are fully documented!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Death Panels

Some inconsequential blogger who goes by the name "Jonathan Chait" is unfairly attacking Mark Halperin, taking him to task for falsely claiming that Obamacare will institute death panels. Here's what I have to say to Mr. Chait (undoubtedly a pseudonym-- these pseudo journalists love their pseudo names!):

1. Nobody criticizes Mark Halperin-- not on my watch! He's the exemplar of everything a journalist should be!

2. Mark Halperin ably defended himself by invoking Howard Dean, who has stated that the Independent Payment Advisory Board (IPB) "is essentially a health-care rationing body." Since a health-care rationing body is basically a death panel, argument over, right? But "Chait" says not! The all-too-clever "Chait" points out that the IPB isn't a health-care rationing body, it's a medical price-setting body. But don't let him confuse you with the facts! "Chait" is violating the rules of our political discourse while Halperin is following them to the letter! This chain of logic is easy to follow:
  • Obamacare is a liberal program.
  • Howard Dean is a liberal. 
  • Therefore, if Howard Dean says something negative about Obamacare, that an "admission against interest," and henceforth is true for the purposes of debate, even it isn't true in the real world.
Therefore, I declare "Chait" to be out of bounds. Halperin wins this one, game set and match.

3. If the liberal "Chait" would just pay attention, he would realize that Halperin was making a brilliant argument  in favor of Obamacare!  Here's Halperin (at about the 8:30 mark): "we do need to do some of that [death panels, that is] in this country because we can’t afford to spend so much on end of life care." See? Halperin likes death panels! If "Chait" would get off his high horse, he would see that Halperin is a death panel supporter, and therefore a true friend of Obamacare!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Crazy Nation!

I don't usually read The Nation; a new article in that publication by Rick Perlstein reminds me why! Perlstein describes how Jaqueline Kennedy manipulated Theodore White into describing her late husband's presidency as a time of hope and magic, "Camelot," rather than as a time of bitterness and vituperation. Perlstein goes on to say:
The whole thing is a great object lesson in the horrors of access journalism—and access history. . . . If you hate the kind of writing Bob Woodward does now; if you hate Politico or, going back further, if you hate the kind of things Sally Quinn wrote on Monicagate (“‘He came in here and he trashed the place,’ says Washington Post columnist David Broder, ‘and it’s not his place.’ ”), or the childish abuse and systematic distortions meted out to Al Gore in 2000 because he didn’t fit into the Washington insiders’ village, blame Camelot—or “Camelot.”
What is this lunatic talking about? No one hates those things! We love those things! In addition to being great practitioners of access journalism, the Woodward of today, the Broder of yesterday, and the Washington insiders' village of 2000 are all great followers of the first of my "tips for young journalists!"

Sunday, November 24, 2013


With a nuclear deal with Iran in place, and a chemical weapons deal with Syria being implemented, there's a narrowing list of countries that the U.S. might engage in military conflict with. So I ask again, who do you think we should bomb now, dear readers? Leave your suggestions in the comments.

Piers Morgan

Have I ever used this exciting new technology to say how much I like and admire my colleague Piers Morgan? Some readers have suggested that my last post, critical of a certain journalist, refers to Mr. Morgan! Nothing could be further from the truth! That was about someone else!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

How to be Sucksessful

YOu know what I uset to think was the wayt o be succesful in boradcast journalism? Work hard. Get a dergree at a good shool like JOhns HOpkins. Be sober and rspectful. Lern your craft.

But the'res another way. Work for sleezy tabloids. Be found guilty of breaking all jurnalistic ethics. Be a judge on stuupid Tv "talent" shows. Be ignant and generraly act like a twat.  Do all this and the suits at the network wil give yuo a primetime show!

Maureen Dowd

 has their ever beeen a more impressive combinatoin of brains ang beautty and integgrity than Maurren Dowd? Exept she kind of scares me! Sometimes at a partty or whatever i'll talk to her and it seeems like a nice conversation an d everyting but then after sh'ell be talkig to a friend and thhey loook over at me and laugh and it seeems like their laughing at me.


What a privilege it is to be alive at this time, in this place!

Another Saturday Night!

Ahh-- Saturday Night! My one time to relax. Tonight will feature my new massage chair, John Tesh turned up to 11, and a bottle of peach schnapps!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Advice for Young Journalists

I've logged a lot of years and accumulated a lot of wisdom since my days as a young news prodigy! So naturally, a lot of young journalists come to me for advice. But I can't talk to every young journalist! Thankfully, this exciting new technology gives me the opportunity to share with a broader audience! Here are my three tips for young journalists:

1) Pay attention to what the smart people are saying! If a diverse group of geniuses (say, for instance, Thomas Friedman, Mike Allen, Mark Halperin, Bob Woodward, and Joe Scarborough) are all saying the same thing, then you should say it too!

2) Your job is to make people feel better about themselves! While most young journalists grasp tip #1 quite readily, this tip is harder for some to understand! One way to make people feel better about themselves is to provide reassurance that their political, economic and cultural leaders know what they are doing and are managing things in a way that is for the best! But another way, and this is what is tricky, is to provide bad news about the oppression of minorities, crime, war, and misbehaving starlets or politicians! While it may seem counter-intuitive that such stories could make people feel better about themselves, remember, your audience isn't a downtrodden minority, and doesn't live in a crime-ridden neighborhood or war-torn country! Only a few of them are corrupt politicians or celebrities! Hearing about the less fortunate makes your audience feel better about themselves, if you do it right! Don't believe me? Check the comments on this post.

3) Adopt a lively, invigorating style! If you're a print journalist, the best way to do this is through copious use of exclamation points! Nothing appeals to readers more! Don't believe me? Here's a real comment about this very blog, written by a young fan:
his consistent use of the "!" Increases my energy level, makes clear that I really really need to pay attention to that point, and makes me feel better about myself. In this season of gratitude, what more could you need?!!
 I shall not reveal the name of this fan, since she may be shy, as young ladies often are! But feel free, if you are reading this, to claim credit in the comments, young fan!

Thursday, November 21, 2013


My recent post was in error. New information indicates that this picture depicts a Latvian independence day event, and not a military coup. My apologies for the confusion.

Big Breaking News!

We're not quite ready to go on air with this big news, so you're getting this first! Apparently, a military coup is under way in a small Baltic nation! A correspondent sent the above picture, which clearly shows a major military action under way! Updates to come soon!


Senate Democrats have voted to implement "the nuclear option," allowing non-Supreme Court judicial nominees to be confirmed on a straight majority vote, with no filibusters, just as I predicted! While this will allow President Obama's nominees to be confirmed, it is likely that this move will alienate moderate voters in the swing states, who are known to have passionate views on Senate procedure!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Good News/Bad News

Here's a surprising and puzzling story, that may seem to the untrained eye like unmitigated good news! But if you'd been around as long as I have, you'd know better! Inexplicably, health care cost inflation has decreasing and is well below projected levels over the last several years. The good news is that this will reduce Medicaid and Medicare costs, helping reduce the federal budget deficit. But the bad news is that this good news could reduced momentum towards a bipartisan budget compromise that will slash entitlement benefits! Remember, it isn't enough to just reduce costs; you have to cut benefits too! I fear that this good news will keep us from getting the bipartisan entitlement reforms that we so desperately desperately desperately need.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

St. Ryan de Paul

Paul Ryan is starting to showcase some fascinating new ideas for helping the poor! This could have important implications for the 2016 presidential race! If Ryan can bring together a coalition of evangelicals and the poverty-striken, while locking down moderate voters in the swing states, he could be tough to beat!


This is a quirky little story-- not really big enough to cover on The Situation Room. However, one of the things I love about using this exciting new technology is that it allows my to follow some of these funny little news alleyways! The story is this: apparently the President believes that he has the constitutional authority to appoint judges to open positions! Senate Republicans have pointed out that this novel interpretation of the Constitution has bizarre implications-- that some of the country's top courts could end up having more Democrats than Republicans! Nonetheless, the President is continuing to try to make appointments to the courts! Clearly the President is just going to have to back down on this one! Still-- I thought it was amusing, and I hope you do to!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Mayor Ford

It will be interesting to see how the soap opera playing out in our neighbor to the North might affect American politics. Will Mayor Ford's antics help discredit white suburban backlash politics, or will this reminder of the ever-present dangers of drugs and crime push moderate voters in the swing states to the right? Time will tell!

Sunday, November 17, 2013


Most of the theories about Obama administration malfeasance in Benghazi have been debunked now:
  • the administration didn't conceal al Qaeda involvement in the attacks. Al Qaeda didn't lead the attacks; Ansar al Shariah did.
  • the administration didn't invent a story that the attackers were motivated by a video in order to cover up the fact that it was a terrorist attack. They said that terrorists hijacked a protest that was about a video, which is in fact what happened.
  • the administration didn't cover up the fact that this was a pre-planned attack. In fact it wasn't a pre-planned attack. Investigators believe the attack was "planned" mere hours before it occurred.
However, Benghazi continues to be a scandal that will dog the Administration and the future campaign of Hillary Clinton because of one key fact: THEY EDITED THE TALKING POINTS!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Young Anthony

Heres Anthonny Bourdain talkinng to Merging Moon,a yuong Japeanese metal band on his CNN show, Parst Unknown:

BOURDAIN: You know, when I look at popular music, the stuff that's selling millions of records in America, it makes me angry, actually.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You mean, that you sometimes you're angry (INAUDIBLE).

BOURDAIN: Yes, if I see Nickelback, I want to kill myself. OK. I want to kill them, and then I want to kill myself. And then I want to kill everybody who listens to them. OK? What's so funny? It's true. I mean, who do you hate? What band do you hate? What -- a band that I would know. Who's the worst band in the world? The worst popular band in the world? Who?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, My Chemical Romance.

BOURDAIN: My Chemical Romance, yes. Hate them. That's a good one.

Grate job upping your cool quotiente Anthony my freind! Im sure thse kids were thinking, “Hes so bitchin. Hes totally relating to us on owr levl.” They werent at alll rolling there eyes and saying. “What a lame, desperate and possibly dangerous old man who should be locked up or at a minimum banned from TV forever.”

So Sweet

Yuo know who is the sweeetest? Peggy nOonan. Once she aksed me if she could feeel my beard. I said yes. She said it was softer than she expeccted. She smelt good. Come bac to the situation Room soon Peggy!


I'm such a lucky guy!!

Saturday Night!

Saturday evening-- my one time to relax!  Tonight that means a bubble bath, my old Carpenters albums, and a bottle of watermelon schnapps!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Historical Precedents

Is Obamacare Obama's Katrina, his Gallipoli, or his Charge of the Light Brigade?  Discuss!

Political Malpractice

All of the problems that President Obama is having with the Obamacare rollout could have been avoided if they had simply designed a program that improved everyone's coverage at lower cost while reducing the deficit and avoiding tax increases, and that was easy to sign up for while maintaining the competitive insurance marketplace! Why didn't Obama reach out to Republicans to create such a program in the first place? Because of this mistake, Democrats risk losing the support of moderate voters in the swing states!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Presidential Tone

President Obama has spoken apologetic words about the difficulties with the Obamacare launch. But has he succeeded in projecting a tone of contrition? Has his body language been sufficiently abject? The answer could determine the fate of his Presidency!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Kudos to Anderson Cooper for his reporting from the Philippines! Your t-shirts look fabulous, my friend!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Spreading Democracy

Now that it looks like bombing Syria is off the table as the Assad regime destroys its stocks of chemical weapons, who do you think we should bomb? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

Obamacare Controversy

The Obamacare controversy rages! On the one hand, some people are disappointed because they are losing "insurance" policies that they don't realize wouldn't be cancelled in a heartbeat if they ever became seriously ill. On the other hand, millions of uninsured people will get real insurance. So it's a real mixed bag! One thing is for sure though-- the debate will continue!

Monday, November 11, 2013

I Wish I Had Said That!: Doris Kearns Goodwin Edition

The great Doris Kearns Goodwin on Meet the Press yesterday, talking to one of my favorite journalists, Joe Scarborough:
But here's what's sad, Joe. I mean what's sad to me is, for two weeks, on the one hand, the Democrats are saying, "Hooray!" 'cause the Republicans screwed up the government shutdown, right? And they're feeling, "This is good for us." Now the Republicans are saying, "Hooray! Obama screwed up the rollout of Obamacare."
. . . People were hurt by the government shutdown. They're being hurt by the rollout being screwed up. What's happening to our country when that's what we're feeling, the cheering for the failing of the other side?
What a great point! Because these two things are exactly the same!

Goodbye Facebook; Hello Blogger!

It is with a heavy heart that an announce the termination of my association with Facebook. The week that I spent using that medium was highly fulfilling, bringing me hundreds of thousands of new friends and enabling me to "tell it like it is" in a way that just isn't possible on the Situation Room. I was particularly gratified by the tens of thousands of personal messages I received from followers telling me how eye-opening, indeed life-changing, my insights have been for them. I am truly humbled.

But that all must end now, because it has come to my attention that some of my Facebook "friends" may have been using false identities, shamelessly impersonating others for the sake of cheap laughs. This is intolerable, and I, Wolfgang Blitzer, refuse to associate myself any longer with an organization whose practices are so shoddy as to permit this outrage to occur, if only temporarily.

But the good news is that there is an exciting new technology out there that is far superior to Facebook. It is called "blogging," and I think that it might catch on! If you enjoyed my Facebook posts, you'll love my "blog" posts. So bookmark and tell your friends!


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