Friday, October 9, 2015

The Ryan Solution

Republican Party leaders are desperate to convince Congressman Paul Ryan to reconsider his refusal to run for Speaker of the House! House Republicans are currently in complete disarray with the pending resignation of Speaker Boehner and the withdrawal of Kevin McCarthy, the presumptive favorite to replace him! Only Ryan, with his brilliant policy ideas and strong conservative credentials, can reunite the fractious House Republicans!

But why should Ryan stop at fixing the House Republicans? There are so many other problems in our politics that must be addressed! Let’s start with the mess in the Republican primaries, where the failure of moderate, respectable, honorable leaders like Jeb!, Christie, and Jindal to inspire support has allowed wild cards Trump and Carson to lead the field! While both men are brilliant and have brought forward truly innovative ideas, the Party must decide whether it is really wise to select a political neophyte as their standard-bearer! The obvious solution: draft Ryan to run for President!

But it isn’t only the Republicans that need help! Hillary Clinton’s completely unprecedented and deeply disturbing use of a private email account will inevitably destroy her candidacy, leaving a Democratic field consisting only of socialists and nonentities! Democratic wise men are casting about for a solution! Well here’s one! Nominate Paul Ryan! Now you might be asking why in the world the Democrats would nominate a Republican to be their nominee! Well the answer is that when the Republican and Democratic nominees are the same guy, both parties are guaranteed to win! Including the Democrats! That’s much better than the crap shoot of nominating your own candidate, isn’t it? Besides, Paul Ryan is such a reasonable moderate that he’s almost a Democrat anyway, so nominating him would just make it official! It’s a perfect bipartisan solution!

There is one final problem that Paul Ryan could solve: the lame duck Presidency of Barack Obama! His presidency is obviously dead in the water, inexplicably incapable of achieving bipartisan compromise! And without bipartisan compromise, nothing of value can get accomplished! The smart thinking in Washington is that Obama will really have no choice but to resign by the beginning of next year at the latest! If Biden resigns too, and Ryan is Speaker by then . . .