Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Party Chit Chat for the Political Novice!

It’s holiday season, which means lots of holiday parties! But it’s also campaign season, which means that holiday party chit chat will turn towards politics! That’s great for a political junkie like me, but for the average Joe who doesn’t know much about politics, it just creates anxiety. People tell me all of the time that they’re afraid that expressing a political opinion at a party could make them look stupid, or give offense to others. And they’re right! Without expert guidance, you’re bound to seem like a fool or a buffoon!

But never fear! Below I’ve provided some pro tips for talking politics at parties that will help you seem smart and in-the-know!

What’s your political philosophy? This is an easy one! Practice the following sentence: “I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative!” This simple phrase shows that you’re thoughtful and independent! It shows that you’re cosmopolitan and “down” with all sorts of people, but that you’re not a sucker and that you have enough bank to care deeply about the top marginal tax rate! I’m serious about practicing; repeat “I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative” over and over until it’s second nature! At a 2003 cocktail party at Maureen Dowd’s house I had a few too many and announced “I’m a social conservative and a fiscal liberal.” It nearly caused a riot! Don’t you make that mistake!

Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Also easy: “I’m an independent!” Definitely a safe answer! A real pro would add, “because neither party really has the solutions to today’s problems.”

Which candidate do you support?  This is a tricky one! Anything you say that directly responds to the question could be held against you! So use a trick that the pros use on teevee! Answer a different question! Instead of talking about who should win the election, talk instead about who will win the election! For instance, you could say, “I think Ted Cruz has got the organization on the ground in Iowa to take advantage of his strength with evangelical voters,” or “Hillary Clinton will pick up the nomination by tacking to her left, but that could weaken her with moderate voters in the swing states in the general.” That way you show that you’re savvy about politics, but you don’t risk offending anyone by declaring support for a candidate that they hate! And don’t worry about being wrong; no one will remember!

What do you think about Black Lives Matter? Another tricky one! The best approach: “What do you think about Black Lives Matter?”

What do you think we should do about ISIS? It may surprise you to learn that this is actually an easy one! You’re not the President, so it isn’t your job to know what to do about ISIS! So you say, “The problem with our approach to ISIS is that the President doesn’t really have a strategy.” This same statement can be adapted to make you seem thoughtful about any foreign policy problem!

Follow these simple tips, and the average person will think you’re a professional political pundit!

Friday, October 9, 2015

The Ryan Solution

Republican Party leaders are desperate to convince Congressman Paul Ryan to reconsider his refusal to run for Speaker of the House! House Republicans are currently in complete disarray with the pending resignation of Speaker Boehner and the withdrawal of Kevin McCarthy, the presumptive favorite to replace him! Only Ryan, with his brilliant policy ideas and strong conservative credentials, can reunite the fractious House Republicans!

But why should Ryan stop at fixing the House Republicans? There are so many other problems in our politics that must be addressed! Let’s start with the mess in the Republican primaries, where the failure of moderate, respectable, honorable leaders like Jeb!, Christie, and Jindal to inspire support has allowed wild cards Trump and Carson to lead the field! While both men are brilliant and have brought forward truly innovative ideas, the Party must decide whether it is really wise to select a political neophyte as their standard-bearer! The obvious solution: draft Ryan to run for President!

But it isn’t only the Republicans that need help! Hillary Clinton’s completely unprecedented and deeply disturbing use of a private email account will inevitably destroy her candidacy, leaving a Democratic field consisting only of socialists and nonentities! Democratic wise men are casting about for a solution! Well here’s one! Nominate Paul Ryan! Now you might be asking why in the world the Democrats would nominate a Republican to be their nominee! Well the answer is that when the Republican and Democratic nominees are the same guy, both parties are guaranteed to win! Including the Democrats! That’s much better than the crap shoot of nominating your own candidate, isn’t it? Besides, Paul Ryan is such a reasonable moderate that he’s almost a Democrat anyway, so nominating him would just make it official! It’s a perfect bipartisan solution!

There is one final problem that Paul Ryan could solve: the lame duck Presidency of Barack Obama! His presidency is obviously dead in the water, inexplicably incapable of achieving bipartisan compromise! And without bipartisan compromise, nothing of value can get accomplished! The smart thinking in Washington is that Obama will really have no choice but to resign by the beginning of next year at the latest! If Biden resigns too, and Ryan is Speaker by then . . .

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Hilarious Republican!

To me the highlight of last night's Republican Presidential Debate on CNN was Marco Rubio's hilarious joke:  "I'm also aware that California has a drought, and so that's why I made sure I brought my own water."

I fell on the floor! The whole audience just erupted in laughter, as you can see in this video!

That's the kind of wit that could help Rubio get to the top of a very strong Republican field!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Midterm Reflections

Now that the Midterms are in the rearview mirror, it's time to take stock! The crushing defeat of the Democrats shows one thing for certain-- the American people are tired of gridlock! They voted for bipartisan compromise to "get things done"!

Will President Obama put aside his hurt feelings and reach out to Republicans? Will John Boehner consult with Obama to figure out what the things are that need to get done? Time will tell!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

An Interview with Chris Matthews!

I’m delighted to be able to continue my series of interviews with top journalists, with Chris Matthews up next. Chris Matthews is the highly evolved and centered MSNBC genius that everyone loves! While we haven’t been able to schedule an on-camera interview, I am using this exciting new technology to bring the actual words of Chris Matthews to you! That’s right—all the answers in this interview are things that Matthews has actually said!

Blitzer: I’m so pleased to be talking to you!

Matthews:   You are -- I'm not allowed to say this, but I'll say it -- you're beautiful and you're smart.

Blitzer: Oh. Thank you! You’re not so bad yourself!

Matthews:  I get in trouble for this, but you're great looking, obviously. You're one of the gods' gifts to men in this country. But also, you are a hell of a writer.

Blitzer: Nice of you to say. I’d like to ask . . .

Matthews: No, you're beautiful! I'm just kidding! I'm just kidding! You're a knockout!

Blitzer: If you don’t mind, why don’t we discuss . . .

Matthews:   You're a very beautiful woman. And I have to tell you—he knows that, you know that, and everybody watching knows that. Hillary Clinton knows that! . . . It's an objective statement, Gennifer. I'm not flirting. So let's go on.

Blitzer: What? Woman? Gennifer?

Matthews: I love confusing people.

Blitzer: Okay. Ha ha. Let’s talk about some issues! What do you think about the Social Security program.

Matthews: It’s a bad Ponzi scheme, at this point.

Blitzer: So true! A bad one! What about health care?

Matthews: What you have to be is really creative, with Inchon landings like in the Korean War, like MacArthur did. Like Nixon did with China. Like de Gaulle did with Algeria. You gotta do the surprising move that grabs the center. Right?

Blitzer: Um . . .

Matthews: [What I said back during the 2008 Democratic primary was]: “Now, if a Democrat were smart, who gets elected president, they wouldn't go back to the old Canadian model, where they're all—you know, single-payer model. They'd say, “Wait a minute. Why don't I take something that looks practical out of Massachusetts with Mitt Romney, something practical that Schwarzenegger's trying to do, and put my name on it and say, 'Let's try that. Let's try some kind of mandated benefit. Let's try some kind of effort where businesses and young people have to pay their way. Let's do something that sounds vaguely Republican and self-reliant' "—if you're a Democrat. You know why? Because it would pass! And you'd have national health insurance! But if you keep pushing from your ideological end, you never get there.”

Blitzer: But every major Democratic candidate in 2008 said more or less exactly that! Both Obama and Clinton proposed a “Romney-style” system! None of the candidates except Dennis Kucinich was proposing a single-payer “Canadian-style” healthcare system!

Matthews: I love confusing people.

Blitzer: Right. You’ve been very critical lately of President Obama’s critics, accusing them of racism. Do you think that might be painting with too broad a brush?

Matthews:   A dog whistle is a dog whistle.  A trumpet call is another.

Blitzer: I’m not sure I understand.

Matthews:   As a white person, I think it’s a statement against the white people to talk like this. It’s a sickness by the white people. Anyway, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Blitzer: We’re all against racism, certainly! But should all “white people” be ashamed because of things that a few white people say?

Matthews: Anybody out there, by the way, thinks we’re saying things, it’s over and over again. And if you think we’re saying things, you’re dead wrong and you’re dangerous.

Blitzer: I never thought that you were saying things! Let’s talk about something else. What did you think of the President’s latest speech?

Matthews: I forgot he was black . . . for an hour.

Blitzer: Interesting compliment! So you like this president a lot!

Matthews:   My, I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don't have that too often.

Blitzer: Gracious! Well how did you feel about the previous president, George W. Bush?

Matthews:   Sometimes it glimmer[ed] with this man, our president, that kind of sunny nobility. . . . Everybody sort of like[d] the president, except for the real whack-jobs, maybe on the left.

Blitzer: And what do you think of the possible future president, Hillary Clinton?

Matthews:  [She’s] sort of a Madame Defarge of the left  . . .  she-devil . . . Nurse Ratched . . . witchy . . . the reason she's a candidate for president, the reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around. That's how she got to be senator from New York. We keep forgetting it. She didn't win there on her merit. She won because everybody felt, “My God, this woman stood up under humiliation,” right? That's what happened.

Blitzer: Gosh, it seems like you have almost a visceral reaction against her! What’s that about?

Matthews:   What’s with her clapping? Why is she always clapping? . . . [I]s this a Chinese thing? What is this clapping? She doesn’t clap like you do at a movie you like or something. She claps when she meets people . . . I mean, she claps when she stands at a luncheon. What is all the clapping about?

Blitzer: Do you worry that your hostility towards Clinton could be a problem for you in the 2016 campaign, given that you’re on an ostensibly liberal network?

Matthews: I just think she is great as a person. And we giggle, everything, laugh, she is very -- I hope this doesn't offend anybody. There is a part of her that is very girlish. She's still very youthful.

Blitzer: I see . . .  Let’s talk about another politician that you have strong feelings about—Al Gore.

Matthews: When voters were asked if they thought Al Gore will say or do anything to get elected—I’ve said this many times on this show and, and have been accused of being too rough on him—60 percent of the American people say that Al Gore [would have said or done] anything—“lick the floor” is a phrase I’ve, unfortunately, used over time—to win the election.

Blitzer: Isn’t that a little . . .

Matthews: [He’s] Bill Clinton’s bathtub ring.

Blitzer: Well that’s . . .

Matthews: You know, he used to wear blue suits like I do, or gray suits. Now he’s wearing these new olive suits. He’s taking up something rather unconventional, the three-button male suit jacket. I always—my joke is, “I’m Albert, I’ll—I’ll be your waiter tonight.” I mean, I don’t know anybody who buttons all three buttons, even if they have them. What could that possibly be saying to women voters, three buttons?

Blitzer: Three buttons doesn’t seem particularly unusual . . .

Matthews: Is there some hidden Freudian deal here or what? I don’t know, I mean, Navy guys used to have buttons on their pants. I don’t know what it means.

Blitzer: It’s meaning is mysterious, like you Chris! Thank you for joining us!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

up 4 Antything!

Im a litle sacared of her, but i still  reallly like Mragaret Cho. I thoght that we would maek a great team coveringg the new Years eve festtivities in time sQuare-- isnt everyone geting tired of Andresson Coooper and Katy Girfith? But hte stupid suits woudlnt' go for it. I'd still be up fore anything invovling Ms Cho. Rwowr!


To relax on a Saturday night is such bliss!